Monday, December 17, 2007

search for the place i stayed in for 9 months 16 years ago..

i just received a mail from my long lost uncle.. i don't know what to feel. upset's not the right word but maybe a lil bit of it.. i set my pride aside and now i regret it superb. i hate it when i ask someone whom i know wouldn't give me a worthy answer. hell i'm not that dumb to buy all your going-away-from-the-topic answers..

try to search her through my heart and i'll find her, eh? hahaha. you must be kidding me.. i just want to know where she is. not for myself. for my dad. and for my brother who wasted his life waiting for a mother who'll give him the life he wants. and what do i get? a senseless answer.

he also said that i should forgive her and understand why everything happened.. what exactly does that "everything" refer to?! all i know was she left us for more than a decade leaving us no clue where she is and why she didn't come back..

what i did't like most is that you blamed dad and his family for feeding us wrong infos. hell. wrong infos.. you can say that again. all my life no one ever told me the reason.. they keep telling me mom might have a reason God knows what.. so that's the wrong info?!

how dare you tell me to put myself in her position.. damned.. you put yourselves in my shoes. i'm living hell with questions no one is concerned enough to answer. left by my own mom without giving me reasons... you know it's hard for me to accept the reason, eh?.. tell me those reasons your saying. i'm not an idiot who can't understand those..

i need explanations here for godssake. reasons. and i'm very much willing to listen anytime. why can you not see that?! i'm not a kid anymore. hell even a kid needs reasons.. you say it's a long story? can it be much longer to tell me than the years i've waited for it to come?!

i was actually ready to accept my mom if she comes back. but now,. i don't know. why does she have to use her brother, why not find us herself. i still do appreciate my uncle's efforts. but darned, thanks a lot. it made me more damned..

"i hope though a broader mind to gasp and weigh everything before you judge. hope this is not the end only the beginning.. godblesss.. takecare."- broader mind, eh? if understanding your 'long story' would mean a broader mind, then maybe i have the brain of an ant. what should i weigh?.. judge, huh?.. tisk tisk.. all these friggin' words of yours keeps my nerves rising. if i could just answer you back and say all the words i want. but my dad raised me better than what you expect.. and yeah, i'll take care of myself.-a thing my mom can't do..

i know hate's not gonna help me as a person. but for once, i want to say.. i hate you all!!!

it just hurts me knowing my dad never got married and will never be because of his love for you. and my brother almost waisted his life rebelling because of you. because of you.. me? i'll see to it that i prove to you that you made a wrong decision in leaving us. that my dad did his and supposed-to-be your job in raising us.

all i wanted was an apology and an explanation straight from you mom. pti ba naman 'yon pinagkait niyo pa sakin?.. thanks for the 9 months that you let me stay in your womb. thanks for being my my mom for 5 years.. take care of yourself. have a happy life. merry xmas..

my xmas check-list

xmas check list(more like an ex-list.argh)

-stuff that are 'xmasy'.. hehe.. do i experience/have them? hehe.hhmm..-

9 mornings - gonna be a check =]

snow - ex

snowman - duh. ex

mistletoe - ex

poinsettia - ex

xmas tree - ex

presents under the tree - of course. ex

xmas lights - ex

(conclusion: we don't have xmas decors.haha)

money for xmas shopping - double the ex!grrr!

ham - yeah. at last, a check

cheese - i wish mickey'll be pleased to give for the benefit of the poor

my star! - haha. of course, a xmas wouldn't be complete w/o it

yuletide carols - check.yup.i could hear em sing..sorry i haven't save coins for them.tsk. talking bout crisis.

xmas parties - check. phew..

friends - a big CHECK.. hehe

forgiveness - super check.. hehe

love - check?.. hehehe

cards - hmm.. i'l think about that. hehe

apat sa taglamig.haha - yup, i have tickets. check. hehe

last year's wish - i think it's gonna be an ex. woohhh.

what else? hhmm..

home - ex.


papa bear - check

ort2 - check

ort - ex. haha!!

moy - check!

summary: out of 26 i got 9.. *sigh*.. yeah.. but it doesn't mean xmas'd be canceled. i still have the most important xmas thing one could get after all. my family. my family=my dad.=].. luvya dad. year's gonna be different. we'll be with our whooole clan. haha. but as for now, let's make the best of it together. yeah.. hehe. another thing is, Jesus.. He'll be with us.. with all of us.. Christmas must go on after all. haha!=]

Friday, November 23, 2007

at last!!

November 18, 2007
at last!woohoo..
after a stressful week.. phew-hew!.. hehe.. research's through!-regardless of the results. waha!. well anyway.. never to mind that.. atleast we're free from it. failure or not..->not a good reason ain't it? haha! i never really wanted doing research yu knw.. as if i have a choice... so that's it.. hehe.. i had enough of it already..
along with it, goodbye to the sleepovers at mic's.. bye to the reasonable alibi to go home very late.. bye to picture takings.. bye to forcing mhoks to come and get some stinking water sample down tha creek..haha! and the sad part is, i'll miss leaving mic in the room alone at night, dark and to top it all, doors closed, with him still asleep..hahaha! that was a good scare.. hahaha.. sorry mhoks!. haha!.. and the best is, goodbye brainstorming! yeah..
of course, all those goodbyes'r not gonna last.. haha.. we'rs still in 3rd grading.. that's just for one subject.. haha!
.. we ended the week great. haha! having our teacher treat us at the kiosk(cool huh?).. haha. he said it'd serve as a celebration for all of us.'s between the two of them(teachers) and the two of us(students).. hehe.. it's not everyday that i experience this kind of stuff, ya know. hehe.. we ate exotic food(as to my view of it.haha).. maya, frog, and pig's ear.. woah.. i didn't like the appearances alryt.. haha.. but bliv me, it tastes great!.. wehe..4 rounds.. til i saw stars around me. hahaha!.. thanks! it was an unforgettable week-ender.. hehe..

words from a girl hu's half asleep.. hehe

November 14, 2007
here i am again.. infront of this computer.. for the same reason.. our project.. damn it.. not that our project's a boom but we still have worked hard for it(yeah).. sleepless nyts(literally).. i slept 2 am and woke up 6.. aargh!but i don't despise this project that much(nor the adviser.haha!) i'm actually just blaming this printer. it's printing hell! how many pieces of paper were waisted! not to mention my time. it's been an hour since i started printing.. 47 pages.. and guess what... m still on the 29th page!(am i starting to be a 29-fanatic?!)
oh boy am i sleepy.. need to sacrifice to avoid the mouth of many droplets..
haven't even eaten my dinner yet.. ulcer's waiting for me..
m starving!!!
if this printer won't work, m gonna eat that dog barking outside!..haha.. kidding..
oh gosh.. God help me.... help!!!

national fiasco's day

November 13, 2007

well ok, a bit exaggeration on the title.. it's actually more like personal fiasco's day. my fiasco's day.. haha... i woke up this morning smiling(naks.hehe).. i've forgotten bout the card day. haha... then it came. kaboom!(haha.oa).. i was actually waiting for a friend's name.. yeah. we've heard it. haha. quite shocking(m talking about the ranking).. the other shocking thing was I'm ranked 29th! haha. guess how many we were in our class..... 29. haha! coincidence? hahaha.. well anyway. it took me minutes to absorb it. haha. m d dumbest!..sensor all the after events.. haha..
well anywayz.. after the censored scenes,haha, i invited Mic to watch stardust(ya know, to ease myself.haha).. what could be worse? the lady on the ticket booth said it's too early for complementary passes. haha. we have to wait for other viewers.. damn it..we waisted 2 hrs for nothing.. it's when we realized we got a deadline to meet!and it's tomorrow. our investigatory project..haha. nice trip..
we head back to tagatala(school).. i was left. 'til i fall asleep(so much for the project).. when i woke up, i went for a walk. some of my classmates saw me and they were like "van, what happened?!" "nagbinuang ka noh?".. blah..blah.. they were talking bout the ranking alryt.. hell.. i went home with the rest of the gang(pee-ar).. and i received a very inspiring word from b1.. hehe.."save the best for LAST".. cool huh?.. hahaha.. i felt better.. thanks bez.. haha..
at the end of the day, it was still all my fault.. i've been a fiasco.. blame it all to myself.. I've been expecting my rank but it still was a pain in the ass. haha!..
am i depressed? the hell i am. hahAha!!
p.s. oh, and the third problem of the day?? up to this very hour, we haven't finished our project yet.. hahaha! tah-tah..

32 days to go..

32 days to go and it's Christmas time. i wonder how it will be for me. grany's not here anymore,and my aunt...and so is everyone!! great. maybe this'll be my most unforgettable xmas ever. great. ask where my family is?well, dad's religion doesn't believe in xmas. my brother'll probably be with his freakin friends because of this situation. and me? maybe i'll spend it with santa. and the elves. cool, huh?.. and my mom. hi mom! how's it goin' there? could you bother think of us even just for a second? or even wonder how happy your daughter here is?. oh well. i'll tell you anyway. i'm doing fine here. dad's giving all his sweat and blood just to meet all our necessary needs. he's been a mom and a dad for us to cover up for you. don't you worry, he raised us well and didn't tell us any bad stuff about you(as what your brother said). and honestly, he always missed you. and for the record, he's the one apologizing for your freakin leave.

hope you're doing fine wherever you are. hope you remember you still have a family here. yoohoo! hehe. and this xmas, my wish for you is to live longer(we could get to see you then). i wish you could be happy spending xmas eve with your new family(if you have one).
God bless you..


i'm paying the toll of being super late!! and when i say late, it's coming 12 when the agreed time is 10am. it's the product of sleeping 3am and waking up fault?-hell yeah! hehe.. so i've got no one to blame. .when i've arrived to our meeting place, they're already gone!(oh brother). and i'm that dumb to realize that i have a cellphone to text them. haha. too late(late.late.late again). so i texted one of them. and yes, they've gone home. great. just great. any suggestions? i can't go home, i've locked our house and i got no freakin keys with me.! yes we'll all meet later again for some school activity but it's not until after 4 hours! oh boy is that long. got no extra money here so i find it more practical if i spend for surfing than go to the mall and what, see the same old stuff and take a walk around for a hundred times(we have a small mall here ya know) or watch a movie(i don't like the now-showing movies here) i'm here at a cafe. killing time. oh, it's 1:55.. 2 hours and 5 minutes to go! haha! good luck bidyan.


just to kill time.. coz friendster can't accomodate bulletins anymore on this day, i'll just her..hehe

1. Where have you been an hour ago?♣ bed
2. State your name?♣ bidyan
3. Do you like your name?♣ ok lng.very common.
4 . Can you remember what you didon the first day of your school?♣ i went school late as usual. then discovered they're aleady going out. oh great.
5. What do you want to be ten yearsfrom now?♣ a happy person with our clan. haha
6. What do you feel upon receivingemails? ♣ normal..?
7. At what age you first learned touse a pc?♣ 5. think so. but it was just all typing games. hehe
8. Have you ever eaten any exoticfood?♣ yeah.
9. What was the last illness that youhad?♣ fever. now ulcer's next
1 0. Do you like listening to rapmusic?♣ dpnds.
12 . What did you do last 1stNovember 2007?♣ got grounded.. no traditional visiting the dead for us here.
13 . When was the last time youdanced?♣ yesterday.? we always do. haha
14. When was the last time youbrowsed the Bible?♣ a hundred years ago. tsk. bad girl.
15. When was the last time you wentto?♣ huh? went where?
16. What is the brand of your firstwristwatch? ♣ memory lost.
17. Look at your back. what did yousee?♣ wall.
18. Say something about the personwhom you like..♣ fun to be with..
19. Does he/she like you back?♣ dpn't think so.haha.m pathetic
20 . What did you have for breakfast?♣ i woke up 11am(damn!) so i bliv it's not breakfast anymore..
22. What do you usually say whenyou meet a person?♣ i don't talk. i just give an evil stare.
23. Do you agree on the saying"to forgive is to forget?"♣ that's a no-no. i can forgive. i can't forget. sorry.
24. Last thing you held beforeusingthe computer?♣ a bottle.

Monday, July 9, 2007

psychotic jealousy

it's sad how a good ole friendship suddenly turned out to devastation.. hate.. annoyance.. exaperation.. all-in-one translated as---cessation.. what's more excruciating is when it's stimulus is a psychotic jealousy.. in other words--selfishness.. could anything be more fatuous?..

funny thing is i don't exactly know how to end it--the friendship and/or the cause..

everything's really vague to me.. i have lose grip on something already just for the sake of that so-called darned friendship.. but now i'm getting it back--the thing that i had let go.. everything's been done in a damn silent way..

the only thing clear is.. it wasn't my will.. neither my fault.. it'll be hard.. for me.. i don't know with the other end of the thread.. you got mad -at me- just bcos of it... i didn't even do anything.! you took me for granted.. it hurts.. being an option and then a piace of i-got-jealous-coz-of-you thingy.. maybe it's my fate.. sad bcos it's gotta be you who plays with the other end of the thread.. a thread called friendship..

i love you.. that's a fact. i owe you so many things.. maybe,just maybe, it's an enough reason for me to keep holding on to the thread.. sorry i can't give you what you want.. i thought letting go of the one you want makes me worthy of your friendship.. but i was wrong.. total wrong.. silly me.. actually, i don't have any intentions of getting anything that's yours.. i didn't want you to get jealous.. to a friend to be exact..

i'm not gonna be the one putting it to an end.. i'm still here--on the hold.. i don't wanna lose you.. but if it is really meant,. i don't know..

i always tell my self "that does it!".. but when i look back to all the good(sometimes even bad) things that had happened,, i still wana believe it's still worth holding on.. i wish i could do anything to fix this..

is there someone concerned enough to help me??.. i'm not even certain if anyone understand or even read this abstract blog of mine.. but if with great miracle, someone understands me,, please,, do leave a comment..

Thursday, February 8, 2007

wag tawaging kuya ang magnanakaw..nyaha..

Feb. 6,2007.Tuesday.isang gabing di ko malilimutan. hindi naging mabuti ang gabing 'to samin. talaga.. ntrauma na nga ata ako dahil sa nangyari..hehe..

around 11pm nasa kalye pa kami. gusto kong samahan ang kaibigan ko. may mga "bagay-bagay" sana kaming pag-uusapan(diba marb?hehe). nung nasa climax na sana chikahan namin,nangyari ang hindi inaasahan. we found ourselves na nakikipag-agawan with a snatcher.haha!. i was so shocked that i can't say a word.i was so scared. i didn't know what to do. it hapened so fast.the funny thing is,yung kasama ko, sinisigaw niya,:"kuya wag! kuya! ku-ya!"(psnxa marb,ladlaran na 'to.hehe)..kaya yun, akala nung mga lalaki na andun pala sa kanto, naglalaro lang kami kaya hindi sila pumalag..hahaha!..tawa ako ng tawa pagkatapos ng nangyari..

pero nung andun na kami sa room ni pots(nakitulog na lang kami), bigla akong napaiyak. nakakahiya. hindi ako naiyak dahil naagawan ako ng bagay na may centi na sakin. napaiyak ako kasi naisip ko lang:pano kung sinaktan kami nun? pano kung may deadly weapon siyang dala? mabuti na lang cp lang napagtripan niya. buti na lang.. pano kung may masamang nangyari samin? kay Marb?? baka nga nag-iinO.A lang ako pero naisip ko lang talaga yun.. tapos nalaman pa namin na hindi pala siya nag-iisa. may mga kasama pa pala siyang nakamotor. mabuti na lang talaga walang nangyari saming dalawa. hinding-hindi ko talaga mapapatawad sarili ko kung may nangyaring masama kay Marvee. xet. mabuti sana kung ako na lang. lagi ko kasing iniisip,"kung oras mo, oras mo na". pero sa pagkakataong 'to, hindi ko na 'yun naisip. takot na takot talaga ako lalo na dahil may kasama ako. kaya 'yon,napaiyak ako sa harap nila. tsk..

grabe ang experience na 'yon para samin. pero dahil dun, narealize kong andami na palang nangyari samin na magkasama. sa masaya, malungkot, at suspence pa!(haha! para bagang through THICK & THIN..nyahaha!) kahit hindi ganun katagal, marami na kaming pinagsamahan(diba marb?hehe) Thanks meg ha?'re always alam kong alam mo na andito rin ako lagi,suport system(nyaha,char).hehe. sorry sa pagiging B.I ko sa'yo ha.pasensya..

may isa pa akong narealize.. di kasi ako masyadong naniniwala sa katagang "i'll always be here for you" dati. ayoko kasing umasa sa wala. pero dahil sa nangyari, napatunayan ko na minsan totoo rin pala 'to.. wala na kaming matuluyan ni marb non dahil umaga na. alas dose na ata. hindi na 'ko pwedeng humarap kay papa. si hannah na lang pag-asa namin. isang text lang namin,payag na agad siyang doon muna kami matulog sa kanila. madaling araw na kaya hiyang-hiya na pa naman sana akong makitulog sa kanila. Salamat pots ha?:)..napatunayan mong andiyan ka lagi. pasensya dahil naistorbo ka pa namin at napuyat. salamat talaga..

walang taong nakakatagal sa ugali ko. iniiwan ako lagi. kaya habang magkakasama pa tayo, gusto kong sabihain na:salamat sa inyo marvee at hannah..pati na rin kela mic at maan.. salamat dahil andiyan pa rion kayo. salamat sa masayang samahan. mahal ko kayo. napakahalaga niyo sa'kin. (kita n'yo naman,tinagalog ko na 'tong blog ko kaya anghaba..hehe)'Lakas' man o 'power rangers'(haha) salamat sa inyo.....baw...