Monday, December 17, 2007

search for the place i stayed in for 9 months 16 years ago..

i just received a mail from my long lost uncle.. i don't know what to feel. upset's not the right word but maybe a lil bit of it.. i set my pride aside and now i regret it superb. i hate it when i ask someone whom i know wouldn't give me a worthy answer. hell i'm not that dumb to buy all your going-away-from-the-topic answers..

try to search her through my heart and i'll find her, eh? hahaha. you must be kidding me.. i just want to know where she is. not for myself. for my dad. and for my brother who wasted his life waiting for a mother who'll give him the life he wants. and what do i get? a senseless answer.

he also said that i should forgive her and understand why everything happened.. what exactly does that "everything" refer to?! all i know was she left us for more than a decade leaving us no clue where she is and why she didn't come back..

what i did't like most is that you blamed dad and his family for feeding us wrong infos. hell. wrong infos.. you can say that again. all my life no one ever told me the reason.. they keep telling me mom might have a reason God knows what.. so that's the wrong info?!

how dare you tell me to put myself in her position.. damned.. you put yourselves in my shoes. i'm living hell with questions no one is concerned enough to answer. left by my own mom without giving me reasons... you know it's hard for me to accept the reason, eh?.. tell me those reasons your saying. i'm not an idiot who can't understand those..

i need explanations here for godssake. reasons. and i'm very much willing to listen anytime. why can you not see that?! i'm not a kid anymore. hell even a kid needs reasons.. you say it's a long story? can it be much longer to tell me than the years i've waited for it to come?!

i was actually ready to accept my mom if she comes back. but now,. i don't know. why does she have to use her brother, why not find us herself. i still do appreciate my uncle's efforts. but darned, thanks a lot. it made me more damned..

"i hope though a broader mind to gasp and weigh everything before you judge. hope this is not the end only the beginning.. godblesss.. takecare."- broader mind, eh? if understanding your 'long story' would mean a broader mind, then maybe i have the brain of an ant. what should i weigh?.. judge, huh?.. tisk tisk.. all these friggin' words of yours keeps my nerves rising. if i could just answer you back and say all the words i want. but my dad raised me better than what you expect.. and yeah, i'll take care of myself.-a thing my mom can't do..

i know hate's not gonna help me as a person. but for once, i want to say.. i hate you all!!!

it just hurts me knowing my dad never got married and will never be because of his love for you. and my brother almost waisted his life rebelling because of you. because of you.. me? i'll see to it that i prove to you that you made a wrong decision in leaving us. that my dad did his and supposed-to-be your job in raising us.

all i wanted was an apology and an explanation straight from you mom. pti ba naman 'yon pinagkait niyo pa sakin?.. thanks for the 9 months that you let me stay in your womb. thanks for being my my mom for 5 years.. take care of yourself. have a happy life. merry xmas..


Jona said...

Hi! was bloghopping and arrived in your blog. i'm a mom of 2 boys. my eldest is 2 years and 7 months old and youngest is 2 and a half months. i thought how will they be if i won't be here by their side the thought brings a tear. i said a prayer for you, actually didn't know what to say. but God knows what's in my heart. even i can't put it in words. just keep on praying...nothing is impossible with God :D happy weekend!

Babette said...

I can feel your pain and frankly, I would probably feel the same way if that happened to me. Nobody knows but 'her' what the reasons were but as a mom myself, I cannot imagine leaving my kids for whatever reason.