-okay. i don't even know if there's such word. it's not with in the boundaries of my vocabulary.. my social life is a big zero these days.. sometimes i just don't know how to deal with 'earthlings' anymore -- i'm so attached to my self-made world that i almost lost connection to the 'real' world(there's more explanation why i'd put quotation marks on the word real--reality is almost relative for me nowadays)..
our lunch time scenario just this noon is another proof that i'm a loner--i'd rather be alone than try to be sociable. it was like i was watching a 3-D movie..only it wasn't even close to a bad movie--it's beyond bad. our dinning table was full of chatters. one started to tell a story;as usual, it was about her being the protagonist of all time,self-shiznitter and all those stuff.. and then the another one started a conversation even though the former haven't finished her self-appraisal yet. and then my wapanese cousin was suddenly being a wamerican spilling some 'trivias' with his as-a-matter-of-fact tone as usual. another one gave her opinions and related a story. i could see in another one's eyes lack of interest--just too exited to tell her own story.. one was also full of nonsense trivias of her own..and then almost everyone was talking at the same period of time--the dinning room of big mouths. i was watching them as it turned in slow motion and zoomed to their mouths. as if i was not there and i was only watching them on screen..i was almost near dizziness as i stood and drank a glass of water. i ran upstairs onto a bed and hugged my knees.
i think i was delusional at that time. maybe there's something wrong with me--not that i should go see a technician to tighten the bolts on my processing unit. or maybe it's just because they over talked and though i was used to it, i turned sick of it already.. or maybe i spent too much of my time being alone that's why i get shocked sometimes-or even bitter..i don't know.. it only makes me laugh now when i try remember it..